Throwback Mother’s Day tribute and wonderful gifts for Moms

Thanks to my article on the amazing story of Joy tan-Chi Mendoza, I had a LOT of new people on my Facebook page and who followed me on Networked Blogs.  Most of these are women, and they’re mothers, I presume.  Firstly, to my new friends, thank you for liking the content here, and I hope that one day you can bring your husbands to this site as well (as Lessons of A Dad is geared mostly to them). 

Secondly, since Mother’s Day is around the corner, and it's Throwback Thursday (at least here in the Philippines), allow me to honor you with a throwback Mother’s Day tribute and give you a list of wonderful gifts for moms. 

This is a throwback Mother’s Day tribute because I’m about to show you an older video of my eldest daughter, Lynn, and three of her talented friends as they sang Yeng Constantino’s hit, Salamat in honor of the mothers in the congregation of our church (sorry my non-Filipino friends, you won’t be able to understand the lyrics of the beautiful song). 

Indeed, advanced Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful women in our lives.  Gentlemen, use this time to pamper both your mother and the mother of your children.  One way to do that is to buy beautiful gifts for them from Amazon.com.  

 In fact, they have some really awesome promos for such an occasion, and there’s still time to buy some great items to show moms how much you care.  I’m gonna show some links below.

A much needed take on the Miley Cyrus VMA performance debacle

I decided to go online to take a break from checking my mountain of school papers (It's CDO's Fiesta.  Holiday?  What holiday?) and I came upon the beautiful, much needed dad take on the Miley Cyrus VMA performance debacle.  

You must be living under a cave if you haven't heard of the Miley Cyrus' twerkfest by now.  I haven't seen it, but I've seen the reactions from friends and the gazillions of FB memes on the subject (man, do those guys work fast).  The common denominator for all of these was shock, outrage, and disgust (well, frankly, it was relief for me because I was beginning to worry that nothing shocks this generation anymore).  

Then, in the middle of all the venom-spewing (and I was tempted to join the bandwagon) I came upon this article, from the Dad Matters blog of Focus on the Family (fantastic dad blog, by the way) with this as the main point:  Miley Cyrus is someone's daughter.  What if she were mine?

Win free tickets to ParenTEEN with Mr. Francis Kong and Dr. Peter Tanchi

There’s this joke that starting and running a business is WAY easier that parenting a teenager.  Well, my eldest child is at the tail end of her first year as a teen, and I think the joke has more than a little bit of truth to it.  Only 9 months into raising a teen and I already grew some white hair.  I have 6 more years to go for this one, plus two more future teens?  Oh boy.

Well, if you keep track of my blog, you’ll know that two of the best speakers on parenting in the Philippines, Mr. Francis Kong and Dr. Peter Tanchi, will come to Cagayan de Oro on September 7, 2013 to speak on an event called ParenTEEN (click here for my article).  They’re fantastic speakers on this topic not only because of their tremendous speaking ability; they’re fantastic because they’re Exhibit A.  It’s a rare treat to see just one of them, but both of them?  Back to back?  WOW!

Here’s an even better deal: I will give three couples a chance to win two tickets each to ParenTEEN.  Yes, you can be in the running to see the two best parenting speakers in the Philippines for free, all you’ll have to do is to do some writing of your own.

Parents of teenagers should attend ParenTEEN

In the school I work in, the high school students do journaling, where they write down their honest, candid thoughts for the day.  I remember one student’s journal entry went something like this:

“I can’t help but feel a bit envious whenever I see Mr. Carlo (that’s me) cuddling and playfully interacting with Happy (that’s the nickname of my son, James, age 8).  My dad never did that with me.”

There was another time several years ago, where I volunteered to do this very embarrassing group dancing thing with my daughter.  Even though I wanted to crawl under a rock, we had a blast together.  The next day, another boy went up to me and said that his dad would never do anything like that with him or any of his siblings.

Both instances were both flattering and sad at the same time.  Here are these two young people, teenagers, quickly growing into men yet never really feeling love from their father, a love they desperately need.  It’s one of the reasons why I blog, as I feel that we, Filipino fathers (and that includes me) have some ample room for improvement in the fathering department.

Belated Happy Father’s Day, from yours truly

I'm sorry I haven't been writing lately, as, frustratingly, the internet's been down at home for ages now (and the company is taking their sweet time to fix it, too).  I'm making this quickie blog post at a nearby internet cafe.

Anyway, belated Happy Fathers Day, everyone!

Yours truly, and three beautiful kids

Any idiot can create offspring, but it takes a REAL man to father.  Furthermore, it takes a GREAT man to father in a way that develops excellent, God-loving, and responsible children.  I often fail in this area, but by God's grace, I will father in this way.

Bring your teen to B.E.A.T.S. a Christmas party by a great crowd

One of my favorite verses on parenting, and you’ve seen it here before, is Luke 2:52.  It’s the last verse of Jesus’s childhood, and it says this:

“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, in favor with God and man.”  

From a parenting standpoint, we are to do our part in growing our kids “in wisdom” (intellectually), “and stature” (physically), “in favor with God” (spiritually) “and man” (socially).  Like four legs of a chair, if one "leg" is broken, the chair cannot stand, no matter how robust the others are.

Most parents spend their hard-earned money on the best schools so that their kids will grow intellectually.  All my kids are also bookworms, because my wife and I have read to them when they were young.  They can devour books hundreds of pages thick in a mere day.

I’m disappointed that not every home does this, but we in the house eat lots of veggies and make it a point to train our kids to do so as well, so that they will be grow physically.  They also come from a long line of good athletes, and so they participate in sports to build strength and discipline (particularly my eldest and my youngest, both are excellent soccer players).

I also hope that parents are successful in teaching their kids about manners, being kind to others (especially the needy), and to be responsible, so that they can grow socially.  I’m glad that the school I bring my kids to has something called “practical life” to teach these to the students.

But how about growing our kids spiritually?  How do we do that?

Books that all teens (and their parents) should read

Teaching young teens is what I do for a living.  I’m a high school teacher by profession, teaching in a small private Montessori school in Cagayan de Oro City.  Being in such a small school, teaching in The Abba’s Orchard allows me to not only teach the ABC’s (you wouldn’t want me to teach the 123’s), but it also allows teachers like us to make a big impact in their young lives, an impact a teacher in a traditional school can only dream of having.

On this note, I have come up with a selection of books that all teens (and their parents) should read.  Some of these books I’ve recommended on this blog before, and it can’t hurt that I recommend them again.  However, I now strongly suggest that parents of teens should also read these books, so that they can mentor (key word: mentor…not force or coerce) their teen in walking the right path.

Inspiring dad stories for Father’s Day

Ok, my message in yesterday’s pre-Father’s Day article (click here to see it) was a bit strong, but surely it had  to be said.  There’s a huge epidemic of fatherlessness and deadbeat dads nowadays, and it is my hope that somehow, the tide can be turned.

My favorite scene from the movie Courageous is the last scene, where the main character gives a testimony of his journey of fatherhood and challenges the other men in the building to not just settle for being a “good enough” dad, but only settle for the best father they could be.  May we all father like this guy did (btw, there’s a spoiler in there):



If you haven’t seen the movie or bought the DVD yet, I strongly suggest you do so.  EVERY dad should see Courageous.  It’s one of the most convicting movies I’ve seen since, well, Fireproof.

Now then, since my pre Father’s Day blog was a bit on the strong side, for Father’s Day itself I’ll post something inspirational.  Below is a radio broadcast of Focus On The Family, where the hosts recall their favorite listener-submitted stories of their appreciation for dads.  Enjoy…and be inspired to be the best dads you can be!
 
You may want to check out the books below, as they were listed as the resources for that broadcast.

 

You can also check out other books I recommend for dads. Happy Father’s Day, everyone!

Few things are as devestating as faulty fathering

Every boy needs a dad

Father’s Day is coming up soon, and I’d like to quote a small part of a fantastic, albeit a bit strong, blog entry from Act Like A Man:

“Fathers especially have dropped the ball; America leads the industrialized world in fatherlessness. Forty percent of all children in America are born to single mothers; that rate is 50% for mothers under 30, and 70% for African-Americans. While moms are great at giving unconditional love regardless of their child’s performance, dads motivate sons to try harder, not to give up, to work for success. But even for those with dads, the average school-age boy in America spends half an hour a week in one-to-one conversation with his father. Compare that with an average of 44 hours a week spent in front of a television or computer screen.

“Without better male role models in real life, guys become confused about what constitutes acceptable male behavior. They don’t recognize the images presented in video games, movies, television, and porn as caricatures.”

You can read the rest of the blog entry here.  You can also check out the excellent book Fatherless Generation: Redeeming the Story by John Bowers to find out how we can heal from this epidemic.

I agree with another Filipino Christian Blogger who quoted the above blog entry, The Living Rice, that this is also a wake-up call for Filipino fathers.  

How to effectively show love to your kids

A few months back, I featured Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages of Love for advice for couples.  I find that book fantastic when it comes to improving relations with your spouse (click here for that article).

Knowing the 5 Love Languages of love is also very beneficial to parenting.  If it’s vital to know your spouse’s primary love language, it’s just as vital to know the love language of your children.

In fact, one of the offspring of the best seller is called The 5 Love Languages of Children which is among the books I recommended as parenting books for dads.

(I know I'm supposed to make a mom equivalent for Mother's Day.  My apologies, work is still quite intense.  However, only a few of those books are dad specific.  The rest could be read and used by both parents).

Anyway, back to the topic.

Imagine a teenager running away from home, possessing in his heart great anger and resentment towards his parents.  “They don’t love me” he bitterly barks to his friends.

The grief-stricken parents, meanwhile, tearfully cry out, “How could he do this to us?  After all we’ve done for him!!”

Do the parents genuinely love the teen?  Of course!  But, maybe, they didn’t show it very well, or in the love language the teen understands.  The problem was not sincerity; it was how this sincerity was displayed.

So let’s review, folks.  What are the 5 Languages of Love?  Then, how can we figure out what is the best approach with our children?  So, he’s the 5 Languages of Love (taken from the book’s website)

Reality Discipline — an easy way to improve your parent life

I came across a wonderful article  called “The Wonders of Reality Discipline” from the website of one of my favorite parenting sources, Focus on the Family.


Coined by noted child psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday, Reality Discipline could make your parent life much easier if your current parenting style often involves ranting, raving, shouting, begging, etc. 

Basically, it’s like this (using Dr. Leman’s words), “there are times when you have to pull the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble.  I mean disciplining your children in such a way that he/she accepts responsibility and learns accountability for his actions.”

My boss, a parenting authority in my circles, often uses this example:  “If your child goes to school and forgets his lunch box, don’t bail him out by bringing it to him later in the day.  Let him starve.  The next day, your son will be a different boy and will never forget his lunch box again.” 

Hey Timmy!  You forgot your…d’oh

If you think that it’s a mean way to discipline your child, it’s not…far from it.

If your motive is to love your child by teaching him to grow into a responsible young man, then this is a very loving thing to do.  What is unloving is to give harsh, demeaning punishment out of anger and spite.  What is also unloving is that you have everything done for your little kid, having nannies/yayas left and right.  What kind of an adult will that boy grow up into?  That would ruin him, a very unloving thing to do, indeed.

So you should check out the article on Reality Discipline.    You should also check out Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday (there’s also a “Have a new teen…” version and, LOL, a “Have a new husband...” version).  But before you click on the link below here’s another quote I love from Dr. Leman:

“The goal of parenting is not to create happy kids; rather, it’s to create responsible kids.”

So do your parent life a favor, discipline your child using reality discipline.  Go to the Focus on the Family article, here.

Proof that even the best of parents mess up / Parenting That Makes A Difference Re-launches

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while, you’d know by now that I’m a huge admirer of the awesome parenting example of Peter Tan-Chi, who Cagayan de Oro residents may know as one half of the tandem (motivational speaker extraordinaire Francis Kong being the other) who filled up Limketkai’s Atrium for PARENTING WINNERS a few years ago.

One thing I really like about Peter Tan-Chi is that he’s as open about his defeats as he is with his victories.  Yes, even the best parents mess up from time to time, this dad-blogger included (and I don’t consider myself among the “best” parents).

Below is a video clip of Peter Tan-Chi humorously confessing one such mess-up…and boy, is this a huge lesson on “Children see, children do.”



Here’s another instance where he actually was very, very above-board in the same area.  Check this one out:



Anyway, if you want to see more of Peter Tan-Chi (and, more importantly, learn more from him), then you’re in luck.

We are re-launching his video study series on parenting, PARENTING THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE, this Saturday, Feb. 5, 2012, from 4 pm to 6pm in the afternoon.  It’s open to anyone who’d like to join (of course, you’d have to have kids).  The venue is Christ’s Commission Fellowship, which is located right across the street from the Robinson’s car park entrance.

Here’s the best thing, it’s FREE OF CHARGE.  All you need is an open mind to soak up the amazing content that he gives.

All I want for Christmas is you…daddy

Presents are cool.  But dad's company?  Better.

For a while, I was starting to forget that Lessons Of A Dad is primarily a blog about parenting, as I’ve been a bit preoccupied with blogging about Typhoon Sendong’s rampaging of Cagayan de Oro City (if you still haven’t helped, pls do so).  So, I need to shake this off and go back to my usual blogging theme.

Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You has been ringing in my ears for a while now.  Why?  I’ll save that for a later post, but let’s just say that I’ve been hearing the song a LOT lately, and it’s not just in the shopping malls, being among the more popular Christmas songs being played there. 

While the song is obviously about a woman wanting nothing for Christmas but her beau to come back into her arms, I’ve reflected on some parts of the lyrics and I could see the heart of my children as well…my children longing for me.


I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I’m a teacher, and right now I’m on Christmas break along with my kids.  The two weeks prior were very hectic, with lots of all-nighters and hours of overtime at work.  I barely had time for them.  Every morning we’d wake up and then immediately scramble to get to school, and then I’d come home at night and grumpily shoo them off to sleep.  Not a very good performance from this so-called dad blogger.

As soon as the first morning of Christmas break hit, my kids (especially my son) made sure that they got my attention and demanded that we do stuff together.  So now, less than a week into the break we’ve gone to the park and on several “dates” (where I give some fun and undivided quality time with only one child, no spouse or other children allowed). 

A wonderful dad quote from Chris Gardner

During our lesson on leaving a heritage for your children for The Story Of Us retreat, I ran into this wonderful dad quote from Chris Gardner, the rags-to-riches finance guru who grew up not knowing his father and who very nearly lost his son as well, and whose life was made into a movie (The Pursuit of Happyness, starring Will Smith).  Despite now being a renowned author and a very successful businessman, I love how he puts things in perspective.
 

“When I look back at the journey from homelessness to prosperity, I hold one thing dearer than all else – my commitment to my son. Doing a movie with the top movie star portraying me, doing a book with an editor who’s last book won the Pulitzer Prize – all that stuff is great, but the most important thing that I will have ever done in my life was break the cycle of men who were not there for their children.“


Beautiful. Makes me wanna get his books (see below) and watch the movie all over again.  You can find more of my site’s parenting material here.

Chris Gardner’s books:

• Start Where You Are: Life Lessons in Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be 
• The Pursuit of Happyness

Parenting authors you may appreciate:

• James Dobson
• Kevin Leman
• Carey Casey

(This blog site, Lessons Of A Dad is mostly about parenting, marriage, and other topics aimed to develop the reader’s mind, body, and soul.  I’d consider it an honor if you’d follow or subscribe to this site.  You can also go to my Facebook page here, and I’m also on Twitter at @lessonsofadad)

My favorite parenting articles, in honor of Lessons Of A Dad being a finalist of the PBA Home and Parenting Category — National Level

Well, hot off the euphoria of winning Philippine Blog Awards’  Best Lifestyle blog for Mindanao for 2011, I just found out that Lessons Of A Dad is a finalist for another award, a national award this time. 

Lessons Of A Dad is one of the finalists of the Home and Parenting Category – National Level.  Very, very cool. 

I'm in great company, too; here are the Finalists:

A Woman Remembers (serenityoverload.blogspot.com)
Dainty Mom (www.daintymom.com)
Her Fashionality is Motherhood (www.trishvelarmino.com)
Lessons Of A Dad (www.lessonsofadad.com)
My Address is Earth (myaddressisearth.blogspot.com)
My Happy Home (www.eleanoraguilar.com)
Pinay Mommy Online (www.pinaymommyonline.com)
Proud Mommy of Three (www.mommyrubz.com)
The Hippie Mum (www.hippiemum.com)

To celebrate, allow me to list down my favorite parenting articles for this site.  They give great tips on being a father.  Hope you enjoy them!

Songs that touch a father’s heart…Happy Father’s Day to you all!  This blog entry was made at or near Father’s Day, and it showcases songs that all dads need to hear. 

One way to have your kids follow you is to make parenting fun!  Having problems with the kiddos following orders?  One possible way to solve this problem is to make things more fun!  Make a chore not a chore.

A parenting word about gift giving.  Being the 1st of December, Christmas is just around the corner.  But, do your gifts really benefit those who receive them?

Lessons of a Dad’s picks: books for Christian fathers

In my last post, I featured books for Christian teen girls, made after I noticed that Lynn, 11 going on 12, is just about the same height as her mother.  This time around, I’d like to focus on books that will assist my target audience, the fathers, Christian dads in particular. 

Gentlemen, we need all the help we can get, so here’s a list of books for Christian fathers.

I’m dividing this post into three parts, books for:

Parenting in general (one of the books being teen-specific)
Parenting sons
Parenting daughters.

Great books for Christian teen girls

We celebrated my wife’s birthday last week.  As she was walking arm in arm with our eldest daughter, Lynn, a family friend remarked, “Wow Jhean!  She’s just as tall as you are!”

I was behind the ladies when that comment was said, and indeed, Lynn is very close to her mom’s height, and I predict that she will exceed her next year.  Lynn turns 12 in just 2 weeks’ time, and it dawned on me yet again that, before I know it, my sweet little Christian girl will be a bona-fide Christian teen.

I thought to myself that, since Lynn is a bookworm, I need to figure out what great books to get for Christian teen girls…as I’m sure the kiddie books won’t appeal to her anymore. 

Of course, I’m not talking about infatuation-riddled novels about sparkly vampires.  No sir, these would be books that would grow her and inspire her to be the beautiful young woman that she is called to be. 

A Halloween constume that disturbed me, but admittedly made me chuckle.

Remember, dads, our kids hero worship us and consider us their heroes.  We should do our utmost to be models and mentors to our children, positively influencing them to be great adults themselves one day.

Then I see this Halloween costume that disturbed me, but admittedly made me chuckle.

What in the world was he smokin’ (pun intended) when he thought of this getup for him and his son?  I saw this on Facebook and most of the comments were praising the dad for his creativity and…well, the over-all cuteness of it.

I was not pleased. 

Our kids are like marble, and we, dads, are like artists armed with hammer and chisel.  We could either make a masterpiece, or make a mess.

Sure, this is really creative or really cute…and you may think I’m overreacting; but please know that children copy what we do, they’ll love what we love, they’ll think the way we think.  Our influence is that great.

And another thing…if we do some naughty things behind their backs, they’re also bound to find out:

Happy Halloween everyone.

In regards to your parenting style, balance discipline with love

Here’s one lesson that struck me recently, during one of our parenting studies, in regards to disciplining our children.  It goes something like this:

a. Discipline without love leads to REBELLION.  

b. Love without discipline leads to ANARCHY.  

Regarding Filipino families’ parenting style, we seem to err on the first one, discipline without love.  Many Filipino parents, those I’ve seen anyway, seem very autocratic, and raise their kids by what I called the PBA method (Parenting By Anger).  I see it all the time, Pinoy parents tend to shout, yell out vicious threats, spank out of anger.  

When we discussed this part of the lesson with my young couples group, most of them confessed that they followed their parents out of fear, not out of love and respect.  They talked about the threats, the negative reinforcement (constant correction, rarely any praise), not being allowed to reason with them because they weren’t allowed to talk back, and the little emotional connection they had with their parents.

It proved quite detrimental.  Some of them harbor feelings of resentment to this day.  There was also talk about rebellion at the first sign of freedom, such as college.  Some young people I know swear that once they leave home for college, they’ll follow the same route.  The values of parents were never internalized, all they know is the discipline…but it’s hard to discipline if there’s no good relationship.

Now, I grew up in America, and King Edward VIII has been famously quoted to say this about the parenting style of its locals: 

“The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.”  

I’m sure he said that in jest, but still, I guess you can say that many American parents tend to err on the second one, love without discipline leads to anarchy.  Do you agree? 

Growing up, I remember being a bit bitter towards my parents for being a lot stricter than the parents of my friends.  They (my friends) seem to be allowed to party all the time, allowed to have really late curfews (or curfews don’t exist), had credit cards free for the charging, and basically just had much less restraint and much more freedom than I had.  

Furthermore, an article I read had this to say about today’s American fathers:

“… the image of the perfect American father, 2011-style, seems fuzzier than ever. The classic pop-culture archetypes — silver-templed sages in cardigan sweaters (Ward Cleaver, Cliff Huxtable) — seem as outmoded as rabbit ears in an era where fathers would rather act like their children’s best friend than square-jawed authority figures. 

“Today’s Generations X and Y dads are closer in spirit to Will Arnett in the new NBC situation comedy ‘Up All Night’— potty-mouthed guys in pocket T-shirts and stubble…Overgrown boys themselves, they may not feel ready for the responsibilities of co-parenting, but they feel obligated to fake it mightily.” 

That scares me, because I feel that children do need authority figures; they need guidance; and they have to get all that from the home.  But if “square-jawed authority figures” in parents, especially in fathers, has become passé, the kids will grow up having a real hard time respecting any authority, be it school authority, or government authority, etc.

“Sow a thought, reap an act.  

 Sow an act, reap a habit.  

 Sow a habit, reap a character.  

 Sow a character, reap a destiny.”

The right type of parenting should be a healthy mix of both love and discipline. 

Hebrews 12:6 – “For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.”

Parents should be authoritative, but not authoritarian.  Meaning, parents have, and show, real authority at home, but do so through positively influencing their kids…especially by means of modeling and mentoring.  

For parents who err towards the first point, remember that trying to discipline your kids without a good relationship will bring about much more frustration that you’d like.  We can only earn the right to discipline them when they feel loved.

When my kids and I really tight in the tribe, disciplinary action is easy and painless.  When I get into negligent parent mode (which happens, occasionally) and I try to correct them, it’s not as effective.

For parents who err towards the second, it’s great that you want to be friends with your kids, but it’s more important that you be their authority figure, their parents.  Disciplining your child is one of the most important parenting jobs there is.

Hebrews 12:7 – It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 

Proverbs 13:24 – He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. 

I truly hope this article helped.  To get our parenting style on the right track, we truly need to balance discipline with love.  Speaking of love, I’d love to hear your comments.  Oh, and I would consider it an honor if you subscribe to my site as well (see right margin).  

Oh, and here’s a list of good parenting-related books for dads to read.  They can help immensely.

Do you want to discipline children without shouting? Teach them one-command obedience

Many households with children are very loud.  Parents often have to shout to get their point across to their disobedient kids.  Sometimes, some math is accompanied with the shouting (“Little Johnny, go brush your teeth!  NOW!!  One!  Two!!  Three!!!…”)

Do you want to discipline your children without shouting?  Teach them one-command obedience.  What’s that, you ask?  Read on.

Below is a humorous, yet powerful parenting illustration featuring the speaker Peter Tan-Chi and two volunteers from the crowd.  It was part of the 3rd lesson of the Parenting That Makes a Difference study series, titled HOW TO EFFECTIVELY DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN.  My young couples group took up this study series last Friday, and so here’s a part of what we saw/learned:



That’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?  I hope my wife and I can fully apply this…as well as all the other stuff we learned in the study.  Actually, it’s starting to happen, which is awesome.

Now, some of you may be against spanking…and for good reason, too, because it can easily lead to abuse.  However, just because it can easily be abused doesn’t mean it’s bad.  In fact, I feel that good parenting is impossible without the proper application of spanking.  The Bible has this to say:

Proverbs 13:24 – He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

Proverbs 22:15 – Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

So, what is the proper application of spanking, then?  My far superior short answer will be: take up the Parenting That Makes A Difference study guide with us and hear it from Peter Tan Chi, himself.

My long answer would be me listing down some of the things we learned from the study when it comes to spanking.  Here they are:

•    EXPLAIN to your children why they are being spanked.  It would be terribly unfair to the child if he is spanked for an offense that he has no idea he committed.  Clear rules have to be established before you earn the right to spank your child.

•    Don’t ever spank in ANGER.  It is SELFISH. This is where the abuse can come in, spanking out of anger.  Discipline is out of love for your child, for his own good.  It is not a means to vent your anger.

•    Don’t use your HANDS.  Use a belt or switch.  As what Peter Tan-Chi said, hands are for loving and hugging; use them only as such. 

•    Don’t INJURE your child, but make it HURT.  Spanking to the point of injury is abuse.  But don’t also do a wimpy little slap on the wrist and expect the child to learn his lesson.

•    Don’t spank in PUBLIC.   Do it in private.  Discipline is again out of love for the child.  Spanking in public will embarrass him, which brings emotional injury.

•    Don’t spank UNCONTROLLABLY.  Do it in love.  Probably the most whacks Peter’s kids got out of a single spanking session are two or three.  Rarely was it more than one.  Spanking uncontrollably is another sign that this is not out of love, but out of selfishness and rage.

•    HUG them after you spank them.   Tell them that you LOVE them. Reinforce it in them that this discipline is out of love, not out of anger.  My boy told a relative that I spank him “so that I will remember.”  After I spank my kids in the method above, we often walk out of the spanking room as good friends, walking hand in hand.

Next session is our second to the last one, which is SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN.  Based on the basic outline given in the material, children need to learn principles about:

1.    Themselves
2.    Their Family
3.    Their Friends
4.    Their World
5.    God

Exactly what that would be…well, you’d have to join us to find out.

Anyway, I hope you learned something about how to discipline your children without shouting.  It’s very difficult to do, but if you take the time to do so, the benefits in your children’s lives will be great.  Your children will learn how to respect authority.  You’ll save yourself from frustration and sore throats.

Do you want to know how his kids turned out?  You can see an example of his 2nd child, Joy here in this post (scroll down a bit and you’ll see a video featuring her); and this one is a post I did featuring his son, Paul (scroll down again, and you’ll hear a podcast featuring the young man).  Not too bad, Peter Tan Chi, not too bad at all…and thank you for sharing with us what God has done through you in the area of parenting.

Comments, of course, are welcome.

Recommended reading:

•   The New Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson
• The NEW Strong-Willed Child: Birth Through Adolescence by Dr. James Dobson